You let me down

I am tired of this place. I want a beginning. I want something different. I want new people. I want to be able to breathe again.


I am tired of pretending.

She sits in the dark

I love Autumn so much. Why, you ask? Because it is beautiful. It is cool enough for sweaters and scarves, but you can still wear shorts. The trees and flowers are every color you could ever imagine. The sun shines in a different hue. The world feels wonderful and so immensely filled with love and possibility. I couldn't ask for more. Well, except to live some place where it looks more like this season. And somewhere closer to all of my family: my grandparents, my aunt and uncle, my lovely baby cousin, and my great grandmother. I have never been one to really have a sense of a big and welcoming family... but lately I really miss the family that I do have. I wish I got to see them more often. I cannot wait until Thanksgiving when I will go up there for the holiday and be able to photograph my little Allison. She is so big now! She makes the best expressions. I am so excited. Even though I am almost fifteen years older than that little girl, I hope when she gets older she will look up to me and look forward to when I visit. I will teach her about life and take her on wonderful adventures. She will be like the little sister I never had.

Today I was laying on my couch, all alone in my house. My mind was running on overdrive and then something just went off inside of me. I am going to do this. I am going to live my life and be happy and successful. I will see the world and meet wonderful people. And I will move as many mountains as it takes.

I am standing in a hurricane

I want to go back to the Victorian era in London. The language was beautiful, the customs were endearing, the men were polite and sweet, and the clothing was lovely. We have taken too much for granted...

I wish when I am older that I do not change too much. I want to be able to remember how I was now and think... I may have been younger and a bit childish, but I am still the same at the core. I am just older and matured and experienced. I don't want to lose my hope and adventure and spontaneity and passion. I don't want to settle for anything less than what I really want. I don't want to do that and then grow old and regret my whole life when I could have made it exactly the life I had always wanted. Last year, when my parents got divorced, I started to lose any sense of a hope. I had nothing and I felt like nothing so I did not try at anything that was set before me. But then something clicked within me, and I stopped myself. I became a stronger and better version of myself. Big changes and experiences really do help to transform. It is so true. I am so filled with determination now. And I finally have a happiness with who I am becoming. I'm proud of it. I wish more people would just get over caring what other people think about them. It is so heavy, and without it, I feel too light and free and so me.

Not really what it seems

Beautiful books put a smile on my face. So do you. But not you. No, not at all.

Sometimes I wish old friendships could be rekindled, reignited, reformed. We had something great and I feel like with our new selves... it would work better this time around. It amazes me how different we are. We are not even the same people. We are so much better and mature and older. We know more. We know better. We have made mistakes we now know not to make again. Well, whatever happens, you will always be with me in one way or another. That is the truth.

I cannot wait until I have the freedom to be completely on my own. I think I'm built for it more than I am for this.

I wish I had someone to lie in a field with, being completely silent or sharing our thoughts. Someone beautiful in all ways possible. Someone insightful. Someone creative. Someone who will let me take pictures of them. Someone who walks with their head held high. I don't understand the people who walk facing down. Be who you are because that is all you will ever be, don't you know that? Whoever we are deep down inside can never be changed. It is scary and lovely all at the same time. I remember when my deepest desire was to fit in. I now cannot comprehend why. I am who I am and I am happy with it. I would also appreciate it if people could figure out the difference between being shy and simply being quiet. I am not shy. Being shy is cowering away from everything. I do not do that. I am not afraid to talk to people even if I do not know them. I am just quiet and I always have been. I don't find it necessary to talk if I don't have anything to say. These days, the silence is filled with meaningless words and for me, it has taken the beauty out of speaking.

...and so alive

This day was one of the strangest feeling days I have ever had. I wake up late, around 6:55. I rush through my shower and other getting ready activities. My mom is sick and sleeping and my brother is at my dad's. I am all alone. I walk out the door to start my walk to school, but it is so windy that it blows the door shut behind me. I go back inside; there is no way I can walk in this weather with my asthma and cough. I call my grandpa and he agrees to drive me. We have an interesting conversation about the fires on the way and it feels like it's the first time I've ever really talked to him, and really, it might be. I get to school and go to my first period, English. I sit there and I look at my teacher. I rethink my hatred of her, and decide that I don't actually hate her. I actually quite like her and she will probably end up being one of my favorite teachers ever. Class starts and two students are crying... I don't know why and it seems as if no one else does either. My teacher starts talking but is then interrupted by my counselor coming in with a note for her. She leaves and then my teachers reads it. She gasps. She asks if anyone has already heard about Cory's mom. A few students say yes. I'm confused but I think I know what she means. Cory Peterson's mom died over the weekend, totally unexpectedly. I did not know her, but I feel like I am going to throw up. It is so devastating and heartbreaking that I feel sick. The whole class period we talk about the tragedy and death in general and most of us get emotional and start crying. I am one of them. It hit me really hard. I think it is so appropriate that the sky looks like the world is ending.

Today was life changing and I really needed it.

You're crazy, you're beautiful

Do you ever feel as if you are not even living in your own skin? That your life that you are living is not really the life that you are living and you are only watching it being lived from the sidelines?

"I feel stuck. Does it get easier?"

Lately, I feel like I am wandering through life and I am not actually living it. I go through each day and they have all blurred together to become the same. The only things I am actually excited about now are my camera, my books, my writing, and my music. I complete my school assignments merely because they are a required [albeit tedious] task that must be met on the path to getting what I want (i.e, a diploma and art college after high school). Other than that, life is monotonous and I just don't have enjoyable human relationships anymore. But as Christopher McCandless tells us, "You don't need human relationships to be happy." And he's right... Even though I don't have that in my life at the moment, I can't say I am either sad or upset. But I can say that I am happy and that I am content. The beauty I have been finding in life completely makes up for my lack of satisfying friendships. I am just frustrated with people my age and their pettiness. And I am done with changing myself just so I am not alone. That is not fun and it has really lost it's initial amusement. I am completely fine with being on my own right now, and in fact, I prefer it for the time being. I do not need your pity, so do not offer it. All I can hope is that my peers get better as we get older, and I can finally find people I get along with! And who share my interests. It would be wonderful.

I don't want to be weak even if I am.

"I read somewhere... how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong... but to feel strong."

And I feel strong.


Au revoir.