We're tumbling down, we're spiralling

When I think of all that has happened in 2008, I want to scream and laugh and cry and smile and yell. I look back on this year and I am full of bittersweet feelings. It has been the fastest and hardest year of my life, yet also the most important in so many ways. I learned who I was and learned what I don't want to be. I learned what I want and what I don't want. I had many crazy experiences: Firsts, lasts, and eveything in between. I met people who changed my life. I met people I never want to leave my life. I met people who walked right in and walked right back out, but left me with so much that I could never know how to thank them for. I met people that will always be in the back of my mind. I met people I will always wonder about. I met people I growed and learned to love. I met people who made me laugh until my sides were aching. I met people who made me cry, gave me the tears I thought I had lost when 2007 ended so long ago. I met people who showed me why I hate humanity. I met people who showed me why I should still have some hope. I met people who taught me about myself, things I never knew about me, things I never knew could exist within me. It was an insane part of my life that will be with me for a long, long time. It was far from perfect, as far as it could possibly be. And that is why I loved it. No matter how horrible it got... I just can't explain it. I needed those bad times. And I needed the good and wonderful times as well. All I know is what I can now do in 2009 to have an even better year. What I need to do with myself. What I need to change about myself. It's hard to explain, hard to even put into words at all. I am just so anxious and excited for this brand new year that is being opened up and just as excited for the brand new me.

Wondering if you're still alive

Leaving this all behind just like that Jesse McCartney song.

I'm eating a salisbury steak TV dinner, and the mashed potatoes are rubbery and the gravy has a texture eerily similar to snot. But I'm way too hungry and lazy to make myself something else.

Lookin' forward to this long, long drive. I plan on putting my headphones in, the volume up, my glasses on, and a book right up in my face the whole time. It makes the boring go by like, THAT!




Cya

It's only human nature

Reading words of vampires and of solstices and of witches and of nights when the barrier between real and fantasy is too thin to even matter: The meat of my winter break. Reality is so boring compared to stories of beautiful golden-haired girls who get changed into vampires and have to save their small town, with the help of her vampire boyfriend and his vampire brother who is in love with her as well. She also gets some aid from her handy dandy witch best friend, which is a nice touch to the overall story. And don't forget the werewolf that comes into play! Man, I just can't get enough of it.

I remember when I was younger, about five or six, and I started reading the Harry Potter books. I was so anxious to get my letter from Hogwarts when I turned eleven. Even though I was only a young kid and didn't know any better, sometimes I really wish a world like that was real. How did people even come up with stuff like that if there isn't even some kind of truth behind it? It would be pretty damn awesome, ha!

People in Planes may just have the most beautiful songs I have ever heard. The lyrics, the melodies... I can't get enough of that either.

Searching for a car with my mom is surprisingly fun. I am growing up so fast. I'll be driving before I know it and graduating high school and starting college. It's pretty crazy.

"You are all just future characters in all of my future novels."

I remember

This is really, really, really quite amusing to me. I miss you because you were real and you cared about me... and I'll always have feelings for you, but nothing can ever happen again. That is a fact. But with you... I get butterflies just when I dial your number on my phone and then when I hear your voice, I practically melt. But the thing is that we already went through this with us. We already had our shot at even being an us. And it didn't work. To be honest, when you kissed me that first time, it was awkward and full of... well, nothing really. So, I told you, "Let's just be friends." And you agreed. Which I was happy about. But our friendship has been strained ever since. It makes me sad. I miss you a lot, which is probably making me think I have other feelings for you when in actuality, I don't.

I enjoy days when half the sky is black and full of rain and the other half is sunny and lovely with full, white clouds.

You do know that he's still in love with you, right? If you don't see that, you're blind. I think that if you move on from him, you would be missing something wonderful.

"Your flame burns brighter than anyone I have ever known." Say that to me again, I need to hear it...

The helium balloon disappears into the sky

What makes me laugh:

• When people gossip about me deleting them off Myspace (yeah, I don't believe it either).
• When people doubt me and laugh about imagining me fail.
  
• When people still think I'm the same person I was in 7th grade. Heeeelllloooo! People change, buddy.
• When people laugh at me for being friends with my mom. Sorry that not all of us have such a hatred for our mothers that we want to push them down a flight of stairs. I like being like a cool version of Lorelei and Rory.
• When people try so hard to be "cool." Icky. Be yourself. That is all.
• When people tell me I am ugly.

Yay for dumb people who provide me with lots and lots of amusement!


Whenever I hear this song, I want to cry. It is just that beautiful. And the lyrics, they sum up the feelings I have about life completely.

My new iPod and camera lens made me very happy and grateful for my wonderful family that buys me too much and cares for me with all of their hearts. But oddly enough, I liked my University of Washington sweatshirt the most. This simple clothing item put a lump in my throat and butterflies in my stomach. It is a symbol of a future that can't seem to be near enough. When I opened the box that held it and saw it lying there, an image of my future self flashed through my mind. Happiness and rain and nature and old brick buildings and new friends and cameras and pages filled with words and lovely photographs and novels halfway written: That will be my life.

The conversation I had the other night with my second cousin was very nice. I don't think I have ever talked to him that much in my life. He has always been my favorite though. The most determined cousin I have, the most successful. I remember being very young and looking forward to his visits when we would watch Barney together and he would pull me around in my little wagon. Color in coloring books and laugh and laugh and laugh, just being the little kids we were. Now I am fifteen and he is twenty-three. He told me, "Courtney, I know everyone you have ever known has said this to you, but it's true. You can do anything you want to do. Anything. So don't give up. Just be determined and work hard at it. Don't let anything that happens right now bother you. Trust me, these people you're around right now in high school, 99% of them won't even matter after you graduate. You will all move on and really, forget all about each other. So, remember that. Don't let anything someone says to you or about you get in your way or hurt you too much. Because it won't matter and you can do anything." I was touched and inspired and close to tears all at once. Because really, how true is that? The simple fact that that is the truth has kept me going and will keep me going until I am handed my high school diploma.

We sit under the oak trees,

And the leaves, they fall on us effortlessly like raindrops. They are full of beauty and a mysterious love that seeps into our bodies. They put smiles on our faces during our saddest of times and let us remember our deep love for each other that is so easy to forget when we are still so young. We walk slowly through our dreams that remind us of the warm sun, eyes closed, hands held. But when we open our eyes...




I am beyond annoyed that you keep haunting me while I sleep. My dreams only include you and your cute face and your contagious laugh. Your promises that you made so long ago spoken in your lovely, velvety voice that I could listen to for hours. Even if I can only do so while unconscious. But I wish things were different between us. I miss you more than is probably healthy... I miss everything about you and the way you made me feel. So adored, so loved, so liked, so wanted. More so than I ever have with anyone else. You cared about me. I haven't felt that way with anyone since you. It hurts more than I can explain.

So. Who are you and who am I and who are we when we are together?

Sometimes life is funny. Actually, life is always funny. Laugh laugh laugh laugh at it all and just... don't take things too seriously. Ha. Blah.

Long drives with snow and pretty skies are enjoyable beyond even... well, I don't know. But they are beautiful.




I am aching...
for you, for me, for everyone...

If you want to be free, be free

With the end of this year just around the corner, I decided to clean out my room and get rid of a lot of stuff. I've started slow, doing just a little portion of my room every night this week. Some of the things I have come across seem as if they were apart of another life (i.e. a No Advisory "Merch Girl" pin, my eighth grade ID, a stuffed monkey, an unsent letter written to my first boyfriend, pink go-go boots, a Hollister hoodie, a picture of me with former friends, etc). I am so different now and I am still going through changes within my life and within myself. This endeavor has caused me to remember many, many different times in the past few years. I have gotten lumps in my throat, butterflies in my stomach, tears in my eyes, smiles on my lips, and lots and lots of laughter.

But basically, getting rid of all of this stuff makes me feel so free! Like these tokens of who I was before were weighing me down. I feel so light and new. It's incredibly lovely.








I remember this time last year. I was alone and lonely and bitter and sad. Now this year at the same time... I am not alone, yet I feel lonely and I am no longer bitter, yet still sometimes sad.

What changed? Well, a year is a long time, and I grew up. A lot. The key aspect in this change? Learning to not care what other people think of me. A step to self acceptance and a big one at that.

But you're not honest, you never could be

How can I possible say this? I love you... and I think I always have.






Let's run away to the snowy mountaintops all while holding hands and gazing into each others eyes. Whispering our darkest secrets into the chilly air, only loud enough for us to hear. Humming our favorite song and marveling in its beauty. We will lie side by side on the cold ground and look up into the sky. We will make each other promises and forgive our old mistakes. It will be me and you all over again, but ten times better than it ever was.

Why do I want this now when I can't have it at all? A piece of my heart died when you left me.

I just want one day to cry this all out and to wallow in my self-pity. But I know I will never be completely over it. You meant too much to me, and still do now, as crazy as that is. Why am I realizing this now? Why? Why? Why?

Statuesque

I am pretty sure the bells are ringing and I am positive that I can hear the chorus singing.


The sun shines bright in the middle of winter and we all cry in unison.




The day was beautiful, so simply pretty and gray. For a few hours, I forgot about the phone call and your deep voice with all of it's cracks. It was gone and you were gone and I could breathe.

I turned the page of my book and you were there again. Standing right in front of me with those eyes and that hair and your white leather shoes. My eyes closed against my will, like you were the sun and I was me. Just me.

Time is running out

I wish I had said this to you when I still had the chance:

I remember when I first met you and how intriguing I found you. You seemed to be the epitome of all that I was looking for at the time, and now, even more so. But I'm starting to think I simply like this game we constantly play. Me so close to catching you, only for you to just run away right when I reach out to touch your shoulder with my open hand. But it's not possible to catch you, is it? You're always going to run and you're always going to have a good reason to... honest or not, right?

I just wish I could believe you when you say this is what you want and that you will break up with her for me. It's so hard to though... so hard.

Just be proud of yourself. You've got mad game. You haven't lost it yet.



Words keep spilling out of me and I have no idea where they are coming from...

I drifted along the edge of the road in a sleepy daze. My feet felt like rocks and I extended too much effort to even lift them up off the ground. Wet fingertips touched my face. It felt nice. The soft mist coming down was beautiful in such a silent way. It had already taken my breath from me when it started an hour ago. But it will be gone by morning. It has been like this for the past week now. Drizzling drops all through the night, but no rain during the days. No heavy downpours that harbor my secret love. I have been spending my time in the night instead, so I don't miss the wetness that I crave so much.

The night is very forgiving, I have learned. Or maybe it's just the dark. It hides everything and makes all things lovely, even if it's not when the light of day shines itself upon it. No matter what it is, no matter how ugly you think it should be... it's incapable of being that way when the sun goes down. The dark creates a different world. I feel like I am transported into a completely new place and I no longer have to be who I really am. It is comforting in a scary way. Sometimes I fear I might lose myself in this black, black place. What if I can't come back when the sun comes up?

I could sleep forever these days

Transformations are all around us, it seems. In the air, in the people we know, in family, in the world... in me, especially. I am suddenly in full control of my emotions. I am suddenly more emotional and expressive than I have ever been in my life. I am suddenly not fearful of letting myself cry. I am suddenly not afraid to let myself be happy. I am suddenly able to really live.



Sometimes I don't remember waking up in the morning so my whole day feels like a dream. A pleasant, warm feeling dream that gives me the weird kind of butterflies. You know, the ones where you aren't sure if they feel good or bad.


I finally found my inspiration again. I didn't like my life when it was lost. My art is flowing freely these days and the happiness of that melts through my veins like it is my own blood.

You don't need this disease

Do you even realize how much love I have for this weather? Oh, this beautiful cold. The brisk air makes me feel awake and, more importantly, alive. I like being able to see my breath come out of my warm mouth in cold, short bursts. I like my face becoming pink and my fingers slowly warming up in my lovely mittens. I like knowing that there is a new beginning around the corner, which means change, and really... I love change.

I don't think I can fully explain this tight feeling within my chest. This longing to break free from this cage I am currently trapped in. A longing that will soon be gone in a little over two years. The freedom of being on my own, the scary beauty of it, as well. The happiness that will be living in Washington. The joy from the never-ending foggy days and cold weather. The likeliness for rain higher than a sunny day, and snow isn't such a far chance either. My future gives me butterflies and a lump in my throat.

I wish eating organically did not cost so much money. It really sickens me that eating healthy is more costly than eating fast food every day of your life. This, America, is why we are an obese country. I want to be healthy and I want a fruitful and thriving life. I need to start by sticking to my exercising instead of sporadically going for runs and bike rides. I always feel so fulfilled afterward. I need to stop being so lazy.

I'm too ahead of myself. It makes me sad. I am all too ready to be done with this chapter of my life.

From the ritz to the rubble

I believe in this so much. It's stupid for me to develop this hope. My pessimistic side knows that I will just end up being disappointed and frustrated to the point that I will become physically ill. Plus mentally, but that's a given. But there's still this part of my optimistic self that knows I am completely capable of making this dream a reality. So, I will not stop. This one little tiny piece of hope is beautiful and I won't let it down. You'll see. You will see.





The caramel colored skin of his neck strains itself to cover the hollow of his lovely throat. His veins pulse within to keep his precious self alive. The beat and the rhythm of his heart quickens as I near, and my smile turns up in the right corner, all lopsided and asymmetrical. I brush my petite, almost translucently-white hand through my golden, sunshine curls. Almost the complete opposite of his dark and rough hands and long locks of black silk. My own heart beats with a new passion as I dream of running my tiny fingers through his soft hair. I can feel the blood pool up into my cheeks and my nerves reach a new peak. He turns his head toward me now and the loose knot in his hair threatens to break free. His eyes sting my own with their intensity pouring into mine, but it does not hurt. It feels lovely and I cannot look away. They are like fire, brown mixed with a vibrant gold, while mine are like ice, the frostiest blue. His gaze continues to melt me, but I think I've been warm since the moment I first met him. I reach my hand out to brush his cheek softly with my cold and smooth fingertips. His skin is like velvet. When I speak, it is almost a sigh.

"Ty."




What do you think? It's the beginning of something, I'm sure of it.

I can feel my heart beating

I love songs that I can listen to over and over and over, relentlessly, every day and my love for it always stays. The lump in the throat feeling, goosebumps, chills, butterflies... all from it's beauty, it's lovely sound.

I want to get butterflies from someone. I want a sweet kiss on my forehead, my nose, my cheek, my lips. I want a tight hug. I want a lovely, velvety voice to whisper in my ear. I want a warm hand to hold. I want someone to tell everything to. I want someone honest. But I don't want just anyone. Any boy, any little high school boy with immaturity issues and overactive hormones. I don't want to have someone just to have someone. If I have to wait ten years, then so be it. Sooooo be it.

I have a lot more to say but no way to word it.


New beginning, rainy days, love, friendship... you make me smile.