So lost

I'm having one of my bad days today. At least I can recognize it as a bad day. Different in every way from a good day. Not the norm. I think that's progress.

I feel stuck in my own skin. My brain is pounding... it is going to burst out of my head. It just hurts. I am in pain everywhere and I feel so alone. Alone and lonely. Two different feelings, easy to handle when they come separately. But they suck everything out of you when they come all at once. I feel lonely: I am aching for someone, somebody, not just anybody, a true and real friend who understands me. (Because you think you do, but you don't.) I feel alone: even though I have my family surrounding me, they don't get me either and they don't even believe that I'm depressed. But I'm falling down this slippery slope and every day it gets a little steeper.

And I try to laugh until it doesn't hurt.

But my laughs are hollow. They aren't real.


What's keeping me from going all the way down? I know a good day will come again and then I can truly laugh at this. And I'll wait for that.

You don't even know how much better I feel from even just writing that down.