Harden My Heart

Why is it that whenever something good comes around for me that something horrible must follow? I feel broken and I feel odd. I haven't cried this hard since... well, since my whole world changed on that one day in May last year. I guess big changes and me don't mesh very well. Small changes? Sure, I can deal. But those big, drastic, life changes are the ones that break me down. Even the color trick doesn't help those tears stop. And the color trick usually always works (Thanks to Calliope). White walls. Brown shoes. Yellow drapes. Beige carpet. Green pillow...

I think I need to read The Realm of Possibility. That always makes me feel better.

I am glad I did cry, though. It always just releases everything I've been holding inside. Stress, anger, frustration, sadness... And then I feel brand new and I can breathe and I look at myself and just feel beautiful. Good cries are just that: Good.

Thank you for taking the time out of your day to come and get me on Friday. It was so reminiscent of... well, you know. But instead of it being him, it was you and it made me realize how silly it was of both of us to think we were anything more than friends. We're not just friends though... we're something better. Something that doesn't require a label. I just know you're someone who will let me cry on their shoulder which is exactly what I need right now. But then thinking that makes me sad again because I'm just going to lose you anyway. Let's just make the best of the time we have left and have weekly dinner together again and go on our ice cream runs like we used too and have random conversations on the phone and just laugh at nothing like we did before everything got confusing. Things don't have to be that way anymore, especially now.

I'll get through this.