It became not just a sign, but The Sign

I wish for once that this one thing I really, really, really want could just work out. I usually never let myself really, really, really want anything because I have this fear of being let down. I always set too high of expectations when I do get genuinely excited about something, so they never get lived up to and then I am just always disappointed. I wish I knew how to be mellow without having to consciously think about being mellow, but thinking about wanting to know how to be mellow defeats the whole purpose. I really think too much. I really do. My mind runs in circles and never in straight lines. I always have a new question about something which then just leads to even more questions. This is better than not questioning anything about the world, I suppose. I can't even comprehend not being this curious, but I guess I would not be able to understand, since I've only ever known curiosity and not ignorance. Not that I am not ignorant. I am. I have so much more to learn about, well, everything. And I used to think I kind of had life figured out, and myself, but that's probably the most naive thing I could ever say or even think, really. (Is really the only adjective I ever use?) There is so much more to figure out about the world and so much more to learn. I have barely even experienced anything. Not at all. Not even. Of course at fourteen freaking years old I would say "I am happy being me. I am the person I want to be." Because at that age, and still even now almost two years later, I am really, really dumb. I would get an F in the class of life. All of us would. We're young and silly and prone to make all the mistakes we can. The only way to be smarter than all the rest right here with us is to recognize that we're dumb, instead of trying to pretend that we have things figured out. Who ever has it figured out, anyway? Life is just one crazy mess of tripping and falling down just to get back up again. And I guess that's the point really, is to just get back up and not stay flat on your face. "Just choose to be happy. It's a hell of a lot easier than choosing to be depressed." There's so many, SO MANY, things I want to say and a lot of the time I have NO IDEA how to say them at all. So I make up stories about people who don't exist and write about them and then it's easier to say what I want to say. Or I take a picture either symbolic or simply literal and then it's easier to explain to someone what I mean. Or I paint my thoughts all on a canvas and then it's easier to show someone what I am thinking. This has absolutely nothing to do with what I was saying, or maybe it does, because a lot of things I always want to say but can't have to do with life and how crazy yet beautiful it is. And art... just creating. I owe it a lot. Does that even make sense? I had such an uncreative existence a while ago. I just stopped doing anything: writing, painting, drawing, taking photographs, making ANYTHING. It lasted more than a year. Almost two. It was... horrible. But now that I am back and fully immersed in it... I know I can never stop again. Like I said in the previous entry, I guess. This is going to be my life. It helps my thoughts to be less jumbled and my mind to be less confused and my body and whole self to just be more relaxed. I feel like I can... I don't know, breathe, I guess. In and out in and out. It's easy. Simple. Organization within all the chaos. It never stops either... life is never slow. It's always fast fast fast. Quick quick quick, even when it FEELS like it's slow. It never really is.